Sis, the Matriarchy is not that different.
I have always been a big fan of women leading & winning. I believe we are better at many things, and I have always been super pumped to show my support to any endeavours that will make us shine through.
This same thinking altered my thoughts about women-led homes, a Nigerian type of matriarchy. A matriarchy is a system where older women typically hold positions of power and authority in social settings. This is seen as the opposite of patriarchy, a system in which men have positions of power and control.
However, many women in Nigerian homes usually practice a form of matriarchy termed matrifocality. A matrifocal family consists of adult women raising the children and spearheading the family's affairs. They usually are single-mother households, found due to the husband's death, or a divorce.
My expectations of this type of home relied heavily on the bias I had; that women are meant to be nicer.
As someone who has been in a patriarchal family system for the better part of her life, it was easy to fall for an imagined utopia of a woman-led family. At that point in my life, I had attributed all the sexism I faced to the patriarchy and the patriarchal figurehead alone. I thought that sexism would evaporate if it was just a woman at the helm of things.
Statistics say that women in matriarchal societies have better health outcomes than men. According to a study done by Adam Reynolds of the University of New Mexico, only 3.6 per cent of women living in matrilineal societies were found to have chronic inflammation. In patriarchal societies, women’s chronic inflammation was found to be 8.3 per cent.
This study shows that gender inequality in health and chronic disease is proportionally linked to cultural influences on health, including inequalities in autonomy and resource access between men and women.
Statistics like this made me believe that everything is better on the other side.
This quote by Heide Goettner-Abendroth captured most of what I thought:
“Matriarchies are societies with complementary equality, where great care is taken to provide a balance. This applies to the balance between genders, among generations, and between humans and nature. Maternal values as ethical principles pervade all areas of a matriarchal society. It creates an attitude of care-taking, nurturing, and peacemaking. This can be observed on all levels of society: the economic level, the social level, the political level, and the areas of their worldviews and faiths."
To be fair, I knew some elements of sexism like gender roles would still be a big feature in a matriarchal home. I also understood that the wider definition of matriarchy comprised of political and social systems, something a matrifocal home has no control over.
As with most things, my expectations and experience did not match. I was still subjected to sexist ideals and judged by societal standards. It also felt harsher because I wasn’t expecting it. I thought this system would nurture my craving for independence and maybe constantly highlight my strengths.
I got some version of that but it was skewed toward having more patriarchal ‘ideal woman’ attributes. The strengths were supposed to complement my children’s lives and the independence was for me to use in my husband’s house.
I found that it was even considered more important to have these attributes. A strong, united family is an important value in matrifocal homes, and often the translation of a united Nigerian home is one with a functioning patriarchy.
This experience prompted me to start asking others in similar situations. The answers were similar, with echoes of how important it is to have a woman with feminist values before it can be considered a matriarchy with complimentary equality.
An acquaintance told me that “Nonfeminist women who are in charge of households will still make decisions in the home that will center men in the society.”
A matriarchy can only embody all the better characteristics if it is divested from patriarchal ideas.
This work is internal, and like all non-visible work, it doesn’t come easy. We will all have to first become aware of the things beliefs holding us back. We would have to hold ourselves accountable if we find that those beliefs are not helping us or society at large. We also need to divorce ourselves from attaching much importance to men’s validation. This will free us from a lot of gendered expectations, and allow us to live independently.
For instance, the conformation of women to patriarchal ideals has been taught since the beginning. However, societal issues attributed to “stubborn women” (women that refuse to submit or women that don’t value marriage as much as society wants) are still in existence today even though other women continue to adhere to patriarchal standards.
The harm these standards do to every facet of women’s health also needs to be reiterated. This should be done through a variety of ways so that it can reach women of all ages, from different parts of a community.
I have learned a lot of lessons from this experience. One of the most important ones is that for all of us to flourish under any system, we must all do the work of unlearning sexist notions or ideals. Until this is done, it won’t matter if we have a woman or a man lead us.